i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
