They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
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I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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