I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
How's work?
Spinning.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
