I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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