direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
