I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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