I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
