K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
