we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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