Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
