The maid of honor just puked.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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