Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
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Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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