My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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