I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
