U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Semen is not good for contacts.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
