She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
