You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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