I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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