Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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