Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
