yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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