So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
