I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
