You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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