You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
