my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
