I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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