He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
