If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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