and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
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I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
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I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I am naked and annoyed.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You don't make any sense
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