I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
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I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
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Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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