I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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