I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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