i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
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He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
40s are totally the cure
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize