I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
ttyl tear gas
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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