Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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