got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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