my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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