Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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