Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
