This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
