I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The air was thick with penises
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
