before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
