i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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