I love black thongs
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
