it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
