I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
