he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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