We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
