I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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