youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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