I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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