proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
