i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
