One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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