PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.