I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot