I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
