I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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