If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
