Sober January is a disaster.
She's the barista slut.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
